People can only bring you down if you give them permission to do so.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:47:15 GMT

I have feedback on eBay as Ndebt333 and GBE1979. I am not trying to cheat anyone, and I will do my best to combine shipping AND get items out as quickly as possible. (I do work full-time and usually don't get off till the post office is closed, but I do ship as promptly as humanly possible and would be happy to upgrade to expedited shipping for an additional fee.) If you want to make SURE your item gets there without problems, tack an extra $2 onto your total to cover delivery confirmation/insurance. Otherwise, I am not responsible for what happens to the item after it leaves my hands; I've had the post office do everything from destroy a poster tube to apparently dunk a package in water, and in both cases there was nothing I could do.

Items are described to the best of my ability, I will only give a refund if I have GROSSLY misrepresented the item or its condition.

I prefer Paypal, but money orders and very carefully-concealed cash (preferably with Delivery Confirmation) is alright too.

I will consider trades if you have something I like.

Items I'm looking for:

-Goth or punk clothes, size 18/20
-Shoes, size 10/11
-Makeup
-Anything pertaining to Jackass or anyone involved in the Jackass crew. (Lemme see what you got, I have a collection going.)
-Finnish rock/metal memorabilia (Negative, The Rasmus, Nightwish, etc.)
-Kat Von D stuff or any other tattoo-related items (Ed Hardy, etc.)
-WIGS!!!!

I am also looking to trade stuff with someone who does DIY work on t-shirts or jeans and could make me some really funky custom pieces of clothing. Show me what you got!

Thanks for checking out my stuff!

ALL T-SHIRTS ARE $8 SHIPPED OR 2 FOR $15 SHIPPED. I WILL BE HAPPY TO CUT YOU DEALS ON BUYING MORE THAN TWO, JUST ASK ME!

AFI "Inside" t-shirt, size XL, very worn, soft, comfy. Image shows cracking from signs of wear. Great for DIY.

The Breakfast Club fitted babydoll t-shirt from Torrid, fits an 18/20 best. Great shape, worn/washed twice.

Hot Topic size M t-shirt, fits me and I'm an 18/20. Minimal fading, looks great.

Official movie merch, Tom Cruise as Lestat in 'Interview with the Vampire'. Some cracking/fading but overall in great condition, item is the authentic thing and hard to find. On the back it says "Drink from Me and Live Forever". Size XL.

Official "Daywatch" movie merch t-shirt, size L. Mint condition, never worn.

Invader Zim Jhonen Vasquez long-sleeved t-shirt with Irkin army symbol on one sleeve and 'Invader Zim' logo on the other, on the front is Zim and Gir on the 'walk home' episode and Zim is shouting "I think I've had my full of these horrible stink-people today!". Good condition, minor washing/fading.

Placebo band-shirt, custom-made by a screenprinter friend of mine, great shape, worn/washed once. Size XL.

Long sleeved skeleton t-shirt, size L, very cute, great condition, worn once.

Size XL, worn once.

Roswell alien t-shirt, bought in New Mexico for $25, still has tags on it. Never worn. Size L.

The Smiths vintage Morrissey shirt, authentic from the 80s not one of the reprints Hot Topic has been selling. Has tour dates for a London tour on the image on the front. Size L, would fit a 16-20 best. Some fading/washing due to age.

Brand new Bauhaus shirt, mint condition, size XL.

Another brand new, custom-made Placebo shirt, brand new, perfect condition, size XL.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch, size XL, white ringer tee with black trim, some fading due to washing. Great, very hard-to-find item.

Long-sleeved green army thermal shirt, size L men's, will fit up to a 22/24 comfortably. VERY soft and cozy. Only worn once.

HIM shirt, just bought from Hot Topic for $20. Never worn, mint condition, size L.

HIM shirt, worn once, size L. "Drunk on Shadows" lyrics behind a bleeding heartagram. Just paid $20 at Hot Topic.

Heartagram official Dickies-brand workshirt, bought for $40 at Hot Topic, never worn, mint condition. Size XL, fits an 18/20 best.

DRESSY TOPS ARE ALL IN NEAR/MINT CONDITION UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED.

Stretchy pink 18/20 Venezia brand shirt, 3/4 length sleeves. More of a mauve shade than this pic shows. $9 shipped.

Sparkly gray thermal shirt with lace cuffs on the sleeves. Would fit a 14/16 best. Stretchy and cozy. $6 shipped.

Pirate wench shirt, off the shoulders, elastic neck and under-bust, very flattering. Fits anywhere from a 16/18 to a 22/24. Looks amazing with an underbust corset or waist cincher. I wore this once for an SCA event and once for a Pirates of the Carribean-themed party but never again. Light staining and the seams are coming undone in a few places, but can be fixed in a heartbeat, I'm just too lazy. $5 shipped.

Gorgeous shirt from Lane Bryant, paid $35 for it a few weeks ago. Elastic cinching at hips with ties, very flattering. Wide boatneck to emphasize bust and shoulders. Dusty rose/floral pattern on olive green background, big kangaroo pocket in the front. Will fit 18/20 - 22/24 best. $13 shipped (slightly heavy).

One Step Up brand shirt, fits 22/24 best, stripy with "Be... In Love" in a very cool vintagey pirate/tattoo-looking design with birds and filigree. Great shape, worn once but was too big for me. $9 shipped.

Fashion Bug brand shirt, fits 18/20 - 22/24, extremely soft brown cotton with darker brown star print all over it. Has a tie in the back to tighten the bust line. Very flattering and cute. Paid $25 new, only wore once. Asking $9 shipped.

EXTREMELY soft turquoise boatneck sweater by Venezia, lightweight and breezy. Will fit a 22/24 best, very stretchy/roomy. Perfect condition, with tags still attached. $9 shipped.

Gray striped tuxedo vest with silk lining, Mossimo brand. Fits an 18/20 best. Mint condition, only took the tags off to try it on for a costume I didn't end up wearing. $8 shipped, paid $20.

Pink (not red like the pic shows) peasant shirt with silver threads woven in, lace trim, thin cotton, low-cut, ties in the back for a great fit. Looks awesome on! Have a matching one in white I am keeping, so I'm parting with this one. Never worn. $10 shipped.

Multi-colored striped shirt, fits 18/20-22/24 best, stretchy, very short cap-sleeves, very low-cut. Looks awesome and flattering with jeans or a skirt. $10 shipped.

Turquoise hoodie with splatterpaint design on the left breast, big warm kangaroo pocket. Fits 18/20-22/24. Bought for $30 at Fashion Bug a few weeks ago and I have too many hoodies now, so I am parting with this one. Will sell for $15 shipped or best offer. (Remember, it's a little heavy so shipping will be about $7.)

Long-sleeved green shirt (more of a celery green than this pic shows), with an extremely cute and cool design at the neckline... has a metal O-ring connected by straps, so it makes a spiderweb sort of effect on your chest. I love this shirt but now my whole chest is tattooed and this just looks kinda funny on me. Fits 22/24 best. $9 shipped.

Cherry-red PVC/vinyl jacket with red marabou trim on the sleeves. No zipper or anything, it's meant to be worn over a sexy corset or something like that. Very hard to find items like this in a plus size, I bought it for $60 from a goth boutique in Denver. Mint condition, never worn except for one photoshoot once. $20 shipped.

Cranberry/mauve colored lace dress with black tulle lining under the skirt and a big black rose applique on the hip. Absolutely beautiful, zips up the back, perfect for that lolita or babydoll goth girl. Fits a 22/24 ideally, if you have a big chest this looks AMAZING on. May be very minor snags in the lace because the applique tends to catch on the lace if not stored properly. Bought for $68 at Torrid, asking $23 shipped.

Very cute old-timey shirt, elastic at the neckline, the pink empire belt thing ties in the back to ensure a great fit. Fits a 22/24 best. Looks amazing with jeans. Mint condition. $10 shipped.

Red satin bustier from Lane Bryant, black velvet piping. No boning or anything, this is meant to be decorative/sexy and not actual shapewear. Would fit anywhere from a large-busted 18/20 to a 24 comfortably. You need big boobs to fill this out properly! Mine weren't quite big enough even though I was a C at the time, so I am selling it. Great condition, gently worn a few times. $10 shipped.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? This brown shirt is covered in the little owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials, as well as stars and moons, all in silver foil. There is a white shirt sewn into the neckline of the shirt to make it look like it's layered. Very cute, would fit an 18/20 best. $9 shipped.

Extremely cute star short-sleeved hoodie from Torrid, great condition, fits a 14/16-18/20 best. I am an 18/20 and it was a little too snug on me, but I'm also a DD now and have very thick upper arms so stuff like this usually doesn't fit 'right' anymore. Asking $12 shipped.

Old Navy lightweight hoodie with orange and pink bird design embroidered on it, plus '09'. Great shape, would fit a 14/16 best probably since it's a slim-fit hoodie. $10 shipped.

Gingham tube top from Torrid, marked a 2 but it would easily fit up to a 24/26. Extremely stretchy, lots of room. Great shape, barely worn. $8 shipped.

Who's Your Daddy? Sugar Daddy babydoll shirt, would fit a 14/16 best, pre-faded to look vintage. $7 shipped.

Pleather corset purse, very cute, excellent shape. Only carried once. Bought at a goth boutique in LA for $35. Asking $10 shipped.

Un_loved fanfic table

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 22:00:39 GMT

01.	You were right about me.	02.	I was wrong about you.	03.	This cancels out the hurt.
04.	I need to want you.	05.	You can be like me.	06.	I want to need you.
07.	Prove it.	08.	I'm cruel.	09.	Always wondered what this'd be like.
10.	I'm broken.	11.	Thought I needed this.	12.	I'm drunk.
13.	I want to hurt you.	14.	I'm awake and you're breathing.	15.	This is my desperation in action.
16.	I want to break you.	17.	Wish I didn't love you.	18.	I pity you.
19.	This isn't about you at all.	20.	I hate you, you bitch.	21.	You'll do.
22.	I hate myself.	23.	You remind me of me.	24.	I want you to hate me.
25.	You remind me of someone.	26.	I can be like you.	27.	Author's Choice.
28.	Author's Choice.	29.	Author's Choice.	30.	Author's Choice.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 21:59:40 GMT

All items are described as accurately as possible. No refunds unless something is wildly misrepresented by me. I accept Paypal (no credit-card payments though!) and US money orders, no other form of payment. All items include shipping in the USA. I will combine shipping if you buy more than one thing. I ship on Fridays. If you want to upgrade to faster shipping or get a tracking number on your item, I can arrange that for an additional fee. If you do not pay for insurance, I cannot be responsible for items lost or damaged in the postal service. I WILL NOT SHIP OUTSIDE OF THE USA, please don't ask. I can't calculate international shipping, and people complain to me about how long it takes them to get the items because I ship by the cheapest method possible. First-come, first serve. I will not be able to hold items, please do not say you 'want' something until you have the money to pay for it. At this time I cannot accept trades, I am hurting for money very badly. However, if you feel that one of my prices is unfair, I will consider negotiating with you. Any other questions, please comment, they will all be answered promptly. You can check my eBay feedback under ndebt333. Thanks for looking!

Gorgeous leopard print fur platforms, men's size 9 (women's 11, will fit a 10 fine as well), very comfy to wear. The inner insole in these is beginning to come up even though they were only worn twice, so you may want to put a Dr. Scholl's insert inside, but it can be EASILY fixed. I paid $60 for these shoes, they will be heavy to ship. Asking $15 shipped.

Customized HIM (His Infernal Majesty) sneakers, size 10 women's, will fit an 11 also. Very comfy and cute, never worn. Lyrics from various HIM songs, as well as symbols and logos painted on the shoes with silver fabric marker. One of a kind, very cool! $12 shipped.

BEAUTIFUL leopard print wedge heels, peep toe! Size 10-11, will fit either size fine. The bottom of the shoe is fake wood and adds a little height, but these shoes are killer on! Bought at Target for $30 and they are still there selling for this amount! NEVER WORN, I literally took the tags off and tried them on and then decided not to wear them. $15 shipped.

Mauve athletic sneaker-boots, very pretty rose-pink and sturdy manmade leather/rubber surface. Will fit a 10/11 equally well. Very cute, show slight signs of wear but have tons of life in them. Retailed for $50. Asking $10 shipped.

Gray tri-color Converse All Stars, worn three times. Men's size 9, women's 11. Tons of wear left in them! $12 shipped.

Turquoise low-tops by No Boundaries, very cute, only worn out twice. May need a little bit of cleaning as they've been in the bottom of my closet for a few months. $10 shipped.

Awesome camo "Rocket Dog"-like shoes. Purchased at Cato's/Fashion Bug a little over a week ago for $25 and they just don't fit right, so my loss is your gain! Will fit a 10 or 11. Asking $12 shipped.

Batman-style Converse All Stars, brand new with tags intact. Just paid $45 for these from Journey's and they are not my style after all. Very cool, men's size 9, women's 11. Mint condition! Asking $15 shipped.

Amazing raver-sneakers, size 10, platform stacked heel. Show signs of wear but have YEARS of life left in them. Made by Bee Fly, retailed for $60. Asking $15 shipped.

All jeans are described to the best of my ability. Fit varies due to different styles, but I wore these anywhere between an 18-22 and they fit fine at each stage in between. Jeans are $12 shipped per pair or two pair for $20 shipped.

Metallic silver-blue Venezia jeans, size 20, very sexy and comfy. Worn twice. These have embroidered fleur-de-lis designs on the back pockets. The only problem with these jeans shows in the photo; the bottom button is missing on the front panel. I bought them this way and didn't notice it until I had taken all the tags off, so the store would not take the item back, but I have worn them twice and they still stay on fine and everything. It could be easily fixed, I just don't like how these look on me so I didn't go through the effort. Paid $55.

Venezia-brand black prefaded jeans, size 20, excellent condition.

Never worn! Light-wash blue jeans from Venezia, size 20, drawstring waist. Loose, relaxed fit, very comfy and cute. Brand new, just removed the tags and tried them on but didn't like the fit on my hips.

Route 66 brand bootleg jeans, dark-medium wash, never worn, perfect condition. Size 22.

Venezia pre-faded black jeans, size 20. I have TWO PAIR of these. One pair is in perfect condition, one pair has white bleach-splatters on them as shown in the photo. The pair with bleach spots would look AWESOME if you finished DIY-ing them yourself by just splashing a bit of Clorox bleach or using a bleach pen on them. They have very cool hip pockets with zippers and snaps, very industrial-looking. If you are interested, please let me know if you want the bleach-spotted ones or the regular black ones.

Faded Glory shorts, size 20, frayed legs. These hit right at the knee, maybe a half-inch above if you are very tall. Brand new, never worn; I bought two pair and wear the other ones a lot, but these are mint condition!

Seven signature jeans from Lane Bryant, perfect condition. Inside size tag is removed but these are a size 22. Flare leg with light pleating, very cool and SO flattering. I got tons of compliments on these but have now lost weight and can't wear them anymore. I only got to rock them once, so they're still in mint condition. Paid $70 for these a few months ago!

Very cool tiger-striped distressed jeans by Luxury Blues, size 22, perfect condition, very comfortable! Flare legs!

Zana Di brand capris, size 20, SO FLATTERING ON! I got tons of compliments about these! The outside of each leg is done in a latticework pattern so that skin shows through. These are SO sexy and make you look ten pounds thinner due to the dark vertical wash and the cut of the jeans. Perfect condition, only worn three times total, paid $35 at Fashion Bug for these.

Morbid Threads skirt, great condition, XXL! This skirt will fit a size 18-20 best but could easily be taken in or pinned to fit someone a bit smaller. Gives you an hourglass lower figure! Made of heavy brocade done in this cool goth pattern. Ankle-length. Cost $70. Asking $15 shipped.

Ew! Show the world you've got cooties with these adorable pajama pants! Very thin, soft cotton, unisex, have the slit button-fly in the front for the guys. Size XL, will fit up to a 22, have a drawstring waist. Great condition, only worn a few times, paid $15. Asking $7 shipped.

Gorgeous skirt (hard to photograph!), brand new with tags. This skirt is in rich auburn shades, reds and browns and oranges, with a paisley pattern. Very soft, stretchy, slinky material. Marked a 1X but will fit anywhere from an 18-22 comfortably. Falls a few inches below the knee, trimmed in brown lace. Perfect for dressing up or just pairing with a cute t-shirt for a bohemian look! Paid $25, never worn. $10 shipped.

New with tags, Mossimo-brand linen shorts, size 22/24W. Very cute, comfy, perfect for summer, lightweight! They need to be ironed and possibly swiped with a lint brush, they were folded in a drawer in my room and my cat took a nap on them once, you can see some of the hair in the pic... but if you throw them in the washer they'll be absolutely perfect. Paid $20, asking $8 shipped.

MACGIRL raver jeans, extremely wide-leg, heavy black denim trimmed in neon green leopard fur. Out of production and very rare, size 20, great condition except for the flaw which is circled in white on the pic. Barely-noticeable spot of lighter fabric, could come out with cleaning, I believe it is a drop from my hot glue gun. Paid $75 for these from Hot Topic awhile ago, have worn them maybe four times total. Asking $16 shipped.

Pleather pants, men's size 44. Have a white scrape on the back of the leg, which is why I am selling these so cheap. They could be fixed easily with some black shoe polish. Will fit a size 18 best. No stretch in the waist. Paid $40, asking $10 shipped.

Remember when Nickelodeon was awesome!? Vintage tank top, Ren & Stimpy, from 1993. Slight discoloration and a few tiny holes, has been kept in storage since 1995. Would be perfect for DIY or just as it is for a great nostalgic look! Size XL, will fit an 18/20. $6 shipped.

DOZENS OF SCARVES! I used to collect them and thus have literally dozens of them which I never wear because I'm in Texas and it's hot. For $15 shipped I will take a big box and stuff as many scarves as I can into it. You'll get fleece ones, knit ones, crocheted ones, silk ones, and lace ones all mixed together! A great assortment! You will get at least one dozen scarves, probably more.

Fishnet shirts! All are a size XL and stretchy, will fit anywhere from a 22 on down. I have a solid red one with built-in fingerless gloves, a black one with thumbholes, a black and white striped one, a pink sparkly one, and a neon purple one. All are in worn condition but have tons of life left in them, to be worn over bras, under t-shirts or corsets, or by themselves if you're feeling naughty! $5 apiece shipped or $15 for all of them. Sold!

Gently-worn bras. Both are from Lane Bryant and retailed for $32. The top one is blue satin, 44C. The blue leopard one is a 46C and stretchy, very comfortable and soft. $6 each or $10 for both.

Pink polka-dot bra, very soft and comfy, worn a handful of times. Underwire and such still in great shape. 44C. Lane Bryant's brand, paid $32, asking $6 shipped.

Unworn velvet panties, 2-pack, opened it before I realized they were the wrong size. Marked a 10, would fit a 9 better. Leopard and blue flames, mint condition. $5 apiece shipped or $8 for both.

Two hipster lace panties, brand new with tags, retailed for $12.50 a pair at Lane Bryant. I bought three of these and tried one pair on, didn't like how they looked on me, so I'm selling the other two pair. One is black, one is a beautifull coral-pink shade. 18/20. $7 a pair or $11 for both.

Butterfly bikini panties with pink and black ribbons on the sides to tie them up! Brand new with tags, size 10 from Fashion Bug. $5 shipped.

Satin leopard-and-roses string bikini panties, size 10, brand new with tags. $4 shipped.

Gorgeous Torrid corset-front panties, size 2X (fits 18/20), new with tags. $5 shipped.

Only the bottom camera is still available. The top one has been sold! The bottom camera is an HP Photosmart digital camera, 5.0 megapixels, 3X optical zoom, 6.0 mm - 18.0 mm lens. The mode is HP Photosmart M425 if you want to look up any other stats. It takes video and photos, takes great pictures, and has tons of settings and options to play with. Also a nice-sized viewscreen and easy-to-navigate menus. I paid $150 for this from Target a year ago. It still works perfectly, there are some minor scuffs and scratches on the casing of the camera from being carried in my purse but the screen and lens are fine. Will come with all software and booklets. $60 shipped. (I would highly recommend getting the $1.50 insurance/tracking on this item because if you don't and it gets damaged in the post, I am not responsible, though I will pack it as carefully as possible.)

Gorgeous purple/black lace and velvet camisole, extremely sexy, would be amazing with jeans and a black bra or with the right pair of black panties! New, never worn. 18/20 from Lane Bryant. $10 shipped.

Gorgeous wine-colored wraparound satin camisole by Torrid, size 2, very stretchy and sexy. Perfect condition. $8 shipped.

Gorgeous 2x fetish corset, PVC/vinyl, zip front, lace-up back. Fits an 18/20 perfectly. I have 42C breasts and it might've fit better if my boobs were a little bigger since it is strapless. Detachable garters, absolutely beautiful. Perfect condition, worn twice for photoshoots. Paid well over $200 for this, asking $55 shipped.

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 06:24:33 GMT

I can't decide if sadness is something inherent in the air we breathe or if you can be sad just by force of habit.

When the same thing hurts you so many times, do we cry out because of the actual pain, or because it's a ghost memory of the pain that preceded it?

After the first step on hot coals, the rest feel so much easier.

After the first heartbreak, the first seem so much more bearable.

After the first lie, the truth seems so much more subjective.

I ended an eight-year friendship tonight by telling the boy to kill himself. I want to say that I didn't mean it, but I don't. Karma will get me for this sentiment and I don't much care at the moment. This is someone who's had every chance known to man, more than any one person deserves. He's used up all of his own chances and stolen some from other people who would've made good use of them. As such, he's a 30-year-old drug addict, divorced father of three, working part-time at a coffee shop to support the fact that instead of putting back money for an apartment of his own or a car or even some decent clothing, he is renting a laptop by the week so that he can sit online and roleplay and chat with people on Vampirefreaks.com. He's not grounded in reality. And as such, he fucked my head so many times. I spent eight years crying. Living for something that was never real.

But tonight when we fought, I didn't really feel anything. I could feel the tears going down my face as I screamed at him on the phone and told him to drop dead, but everything else felt numb. It didn't hurt. It used to feel like a sharp pinch between my eyes, but now it's just like someone put a weight on my chest and left it there. Just that dull throbbing pressure. Maybe that's how a heart really breaks. Not with a bang but with a whimper?

My mood swings have been off the charts lately and I'm honestly afraid sometimes for myself. I know I'm manic or something similar. I go from fine and lively and excited to broken and crushed and crying nonstop for hours on end in a heartbeat with no real trigger.

Earlier tonight I started thinking about small things. I was cleaning my room and kept finding things. The scissors I used to make a scrapbook for an ex-lover. In all of those pictures we are laughing and smiling and touching. I have a folder of photos of us kissing. I know I should throw them out but sometimes I look at them and remember what it felt like to be that happy, to be enough for someone, the way she'd put her hand on my cheek and for once I wasn't thinking about if I had a double chin at this angle or needed to shave my legs or anything else, just how she always tasted the same and how she smelled when we slept all day and stayed up until dawn talking and watching music videos and cuddling. I found a box she made me out of crepe paper and ink, things about crows written on it, and inside is a necklace I can't wear anymore. She bought it as a totem and when I put it on now it doesn't help me. Crows are supposed to carry your soul from a dark place to where it belongs. The one on the cord around my neck just makes me think about ice cream headaches and scratch-off lotto tickets and the time she showed up with a skirt on and feathers in her hair and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.

I can't pinpoint when everything changed. All I know is that it did, hipbones got sharper and so did our tongues until each kiss split our skin and let infection in until lockjaw stifled any "I love yous" we might have used to break the stony silence between us. It took months to die. We were children with magnifying glasses hovering over an anthill, prolonging torture and avoiding each other's eyes.

I never meant to hurt you. It's just the easiest thing to do sometimes, shitty as it sounds.

I feel this pressure on me constantly now, belt around my heart on its last notch. We will have to punch a new hole soon. Clavicle corset cutting off oxygen, but dying is too merciful. I've thought about it. My fingers kiss razorblades and broken glass like sorely-missed lovers and I wish I could give in and take them back into my arms. They never made anything better but they never made it worse, which is more than I can say for some modes of therapy. I still say I love you once a day. I don't know if it's more because I want desperately for you to believe it or because I'm a glutton for punishment and it makes my throat close the minute the words leave.

I found out today that my father was not only a coke addict, but a heroin addict. The same drug that broke Kevin and Jinx and Novak also worked its magic on my father. He never had love to spare for me or my mom or my sister, it was all caught in the barrel of a needle.

Everything you do, you do it to destroy me
Waiting for the darkest hour to put me down

Time is gradual, the surface is all you can see
And if I told you the truth you will not understand me...

Looking in the mirror all I see are flaws. I see blemishes and scars and badly-done tattoos and sagging breasts and fat rolls and stretch marks. I could trace them and show an atlas of my life. Start at the coordinates of the heart and veer south, you'll find a birthmark no one has ever kissed on their way down to eat my pussy even though every time I hope they will. Move right and you'll find a scar from when I fell off a picnic table while using a pocketknife and cut myself open. Move up and you'll find shave bumps and the ghost of everyone who has fucked me before, and if you spread my thighs you may hear me crying because I let a memory or two slip loose from their bear traps inside my head. I'm sorry about that; usually I keep unwanted hands and thrusting cocks in the Alcatraz of my memory banks but some of them are no good at taking 'no' for an answer...

I don't remember what it feels like to feel beautiful. I guess at some point in my life I probably did, but I can never remember anyone else ever making me feel that way.

I am now 21 years old, as of an hour and 23 minutes ago. Fucking weird to think about. I don't feel any older. Just sad and more or less disappointed that, like every other day of my life, I'm spending my birthday alone, depressed, and thinking about the past mistakes I've made.

Wed, 02 May 2007 07:30:24 GMT

We... could make beautiful music together.

We could start out slow, fully clothed, your hands in my pockets to keep warm. Just the little touches mean more than you know, the breath on the side of my neck when you lean in close to whisper "I love you." Then maybe you could touch my hair, run your fingers through it; I may complain about you 'messing it up' but trust me, it's just to cover how much I like feeling your hand on my scalp. Then your hand could cup my jaw and I know the dance from there, but which dance is it? We could do delicate ballet baby-steps toward each others' mouths, tiny presses of lips as we work our way toward each other... or we could samba right into it, tongues doing the tango and teeth grasping at lower lips, hands snared in hair as we go through the motions. It all depends on what music we hear tonight.

Our clothes can come off in one of two ways; I could put music on and swing my hips, give you a show if you'll promise to make me feel adored every second of it. If even a hint of scrutiny goes into your eyes this will all be over, but if you can just keep neutral I will be your private dancer till dawn. Only if there's candlelight that flatters the curves and only if you promise to let me pick the music. Or we could rush through it, giggling when buttons won't go through holes and zippers get caught, pantslegs snared when you try to pull them over a double-knotted shoe, stumbling on one leg like flamingos as we try to race to the finish line together.

Then we could touch each other, pretend we're Helen Keller and go atomic with the amount of Braille we spell on each other's skin. I want to know every freckle, scar and hair like it's a language, like you're the greatest book ever written. I want you to touch me, one of two ways. You can go so slow I mistake you for feathers, feel the tickle of your fingernails over my skin like a warm breeze as I lay so still you give me goosebumps. You know that drives me crazy, especially on my inner thighs or the crook of my elbow or that little crease where my tits run into my ribs. Or you can brand me, make me yours with squeezing hands and scouring fingertips and searing kisses and bites that go to the bone; you'll never hear me complain if I'm caught up in the moment and anyway, that's what a safeword is for. Let's give in to our primitive instincts, baby; let's go caveman on this shit.

I want to taste you like some expensive French pastry that melts on the tongue, something sugar-sweet and so rich it makes me feel kinda dizzy from the rush. Don't get self-conscious now; my tongue knows the architecture of your body like the inside of my own mouth and I won't stop until we're both lying in the wet spot. Then we'll trade off, I'll be the one ripping the fitted sheet off the mattress with my writhing and squirming and I'll call to every deity I ever heard of in Sunday school because your tongue walks the fine line between pleasure and 'too much', too intense, too fierce, too... good.

The evening won't be complete without you inside of me, and don't worry about how you get there. You've been buried in my heart like a vampire waiting for the perfect moment to spring from the coffin of my clavicle and assure me you're still alive, so this is secondary penetration and it comes natural. 'Come' is a round word, soft O, you can wrap your lips around it like black velvet. Whisper it to yourself. 'Come'. Think of me whispering it, in context like "Come... for me, baby" as you pound into me again and again until my hands are blistered from having my nails sunk into the palms and my throat is raw from the hoarse mouth-breathing you've got me engaged in. 'Cum' is what little boys do, short and quick and sharp on the tongue, no finesse to it; 'come' is what we do, liquid and beautiful and as long as you want it to be.

When we're done, the beauty is that we won't be. Our bodies will be so sticky-slick with sweat and come that we'll stick together like Peeps left in the backseat of a car too long, melting until we can't tell where I stop and you start. We'll be breathing in rhythm and doing that half-laugh thing that means it wasn't good, it was fucking great, and when we manage to recover one of us will probably get a little greedy and ask if we can go again.

Greed is a beautiful, beautiful thing sometimes.

Tue, 01 May 2007 01:44:14 GMT

Today made me remember how much I love my job. How easily I could do this for the rest of my life, if only I could move out of my house and do it.

I offered to pick up shifts at the bookstore, which has been my home away from home since I was a sophomore in high school. Whether I'm picking up the odd hours or working my ass off for a week straight, somehow I never get sick of the feeling of that place. It's crowded and plays hell on my allergies and the A/C doesn't work as well as it should and there will always be a customer asking for a "red book that came out last month" and expecting me to know what they're talking about... but fuck.

I spent the majority of the time thumbing through the comics I've missed while I wasn't there. I'm not into the Spandex and superhero vein of things unless the story is truly outstanding; I have nothing against the X-Men or Spiderman or any of those (I actually have a raging crush on Remy LeBeau from "X-Men"), but I can't read them because all of the stories started decades ago and they're on Issue 7392 or whatever, there's no way I'll ever get to read them all. It's so much easier to just pick up the one-shots or the mini-series, or get involved in the new series through the smaller labels. The exception being "Rose & Thorn" a few years ago, which was put out by DC I believe. Pretty good, and on a major distributor. So yeah.

Anyway, today I read possibly the most fucked-up zombie oneshot ever, called "Pieces for Mom". It's put out by Image and if you're a zombiewhore of any kind, do yourself a favor and shell out the four bucks for it. It's only one issue, but it's so good. And the art's fucked up. I bought a few extra copies so that I can distribute them to people I think will appreciate the sick-ass humor in them.

I also read a few chapters of "Waiting" by Debra Ginsberg, which has nothing to do with the movie of the same name but is also a look at what goes on with the waitstaff in restaurants. It's a pretty interesting read.

And then I had a herd of little kids come in pawing over the picture books. You can't even get mad when they destroy your perfectly-organized section, or when they ask how much every single book they pick up is, or when their parents tell them they can't have any after you've spent a half-hour helping them find just the right book--- there's just so much enthusiasm in them, and if you can find a book they'll like, then who knows? Maybe they'll become avid readers later in life. Maybe someday me helping kids pick out books will make a difference in their lives; they'll come across a dogeared Dr. Seuss or a coverless Louis Sachar and remember the nice girl at the bookstore who gave it to them.

An old black man came in with a duffel bag full of brownies; he is a pastor at a local church and he's raising money for a family whose home burned down a few weeks ago. I couldn't give him any money because I'm pretty strapped for cash thanks to the road trip, but my co-worker gave him two dollars. He was a genuinely nice man who seemed very thankful for our support, and he thanked us and said "Jesus bless you" all the way out of the store. When he was gone, some loud woman and her teenaged son came in bitching loudly about how this town is full of 'panhandlers' and that she's so sick of these people asking her for money. I tactfully mentioned that the money was going to a family who had lost their home, and she snorted and said "Isn't that what the Red Cross and Salvation Army are for? He was probably going to use the money for crack." Her son just sort of looked away embarassed while his mother ranted loudly enough for the whole store to hear.

There was a man at the discount table, a very respectable-looking man in a button-down shirt and tie. He kept farting, those squeaky semi-quiet ones that take a moment for the smell to actually smell, and I sat there and watched him, not even pretending not to notice. He would fart, then look around as if to say "Did you hear that too?!" Yes sir, your ninja gas-release skills are astounding. He bought a handful of cheap paperbacks and left, but his smell took awhile longer to depart.

My favorite customer of the day, however, is this man we'll call Chuck (because that's his name). He's downright ancient, in his late seventies or early eighties, but still brilliant and very articulate. He used to be a doctor, but is now retired and is an avid reader, a humanitarian, and a beautiful old man. He has the most lively gray-blue eyes I've ever seen and his nails are long and very clean. He always wears a sport coat with the elbows patched; tweed in summer, corderoy in cooler weather. He always asks for writers like Salinger or Kerouac or Hemingway, romantic-type whimsical stuff. Most men his age read Louis L'amour. He is incredibly polite and his laugh can fill the whole store; he's someone that, when you make him laugh, you feel a little surge of pride at having coaxed that sound out of him. Today I wore my Bukowski shirt, and his commenting on it while I tried to find him a copy of a rare Dickens novel started a conversation where we discussed beat poetry, the linguistics of Kurt Vonnegut's name, and whether Kerouac was good or full of shit. He is a huge Bukowski fan as well, and when he left my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. He held up the line to check out for about half an hour, which meant my co-worker had to ring people up over my shoulder and lean around me to get to the register, but I could have cared less. When that man dies, the world will be a sadder place almost instantly.

Even when it hit six o' clock and we still had one of those maddeningly-irritating customers (who push their way through the door at 5:56 insisting they "Know exactly what they've come in here for", then begin to browse leisurely while we do everything except turn off the lights on them) digging through the young adult novels, I was smiling.

Being surrounded by a few thousand square feet of words, how can anyone not?